Ode to my man
I want to make a declaration: one of my greatest achievements has been getting married to “Mr. Right”. In our militant feminist society, this seems like a step backward, and would even insinuate that being a wife is more important than having a college degree or a successful career. It implies that I need someone for me to be complete. Finally, it means that I am dependent on someone else, be it materially or emotionally.
Rest assured that this is not the case. I feel quite complete and could get by on my own if needed. That said, my husband is the “cérise sur le gâteau”, (cherry on the cake): the French equivalent of “icing on the cake”. I just made sure my cake was baked before he embellished it. I am lucky that I managed to pick the perfect flavor of icing. With so many flavors out there, it’s downright miraculous.
Indeed, my French “cherry”, or chéri, is quite a find, and this merits a long digression. Our adventure started in March 1985 during the final throes of the Cold War, when President Reagan was calling the Soviet Union “the Evil Empire” and Sting was praying that they wouldn’t nuke our kids. I was an exchange student in Bordeaux at the time and was pondering where to go on spring break. I had the choice between Greece or the Evil Empire, and the latter appealed to the rebel in me. Traveling with a French university group gave me a unique opportunity to peer behind the Iron Curtain. Little did I know it was going to change my life.
My future husband was part of that tour group. I first noticed him during our layover at the Vienna airport wine bar. He had this wonderful head of brown curls and a winning smile, perfect advertising for his sunny personality. And he had this sexy French name, Jean-Jacques (which was “Americanized” to JJ). JJ and I pretty much stuck together for the rest of the trip, enjoying our first “dates” at the Bolshoi opera house, Red Square, and the Hermitage Museum. As we parted ways at the end of the trip, we knew we were going to keep in touch.
This led to hundreds of letters (nope, no email then), visits to his native Burgundy, visits to my native California, and a few very expensive phone calls. Our relationship vacillated between “being a couple” and “being just friends”, but we always kept in touch. We were living our distinctly separate lives- he had finished his compulsory military service in Tahiti and was completing his Ph.D. in Chemistry; I had finished teaching English in Rome and was enjoying my life as a fashion journalist in Tokyo. As JJ approached the date of his doctoral defense in 1992, his letters were less platonic and more romantic; he was ready for a proper reunion.
I had no intention of leaving my very cosmopolitan life in Tokyo, so I told JJ he’d have to come over to be with me. Luck would have it that I had a French hiking buddy doing a post-doctoral research fellowship in Japan who gave me a contact number for JJ. Before you know it, my sunshine was joining me in the land of the rising sun. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of an enriching private/professional partnership that has blossomed and evolved over the years.
At the end of his fellowship in 1993, JJ scrambled to find an Associate professorship back in France. As he was so focused on his career, I wasn’t sure if I fit into the equation. I figured if we were going to stay together, it would have to be me going over his way this time. If I were to sacrifice my career and go over to the unchartered professional waters of France, I would at least need a visa, which meant we’d have to get married. While this wasn’t a priority for him at the time (I had to fax him an ultimatum, which he reluctantly accepted), the minute he put his mind to tying the knot, he was 200% on board and has been so ever since. I like to akin our relationship to a tag team- our daily tasks complement each other seamlessly. I often hear of how hard marriage is, but I have never felt that way in our 28 years of wedded bliss.
As a teen, I was marked by the lack of parental unity in the upbringing of a couple of my sibs who needed reassuring coherence and a firm hand. It’s one of the greatest challenges couples can face, especially when wily children play one parent off the other to get what they want. When I saw the wonderful parental dynamic of my in-laws, I knew that JJ was a sure bet. While JJ and I have had our difficult moments raising our kids, with the recent Covid years being especially trying, I’m pretty happy with how we managed to navigate these choppy waters and are very proud of how our three children have grown into enlightened adults.
As I said earlier, JJ and I form a partnership, even though we are from vastly different professions. I think we have enriched each other’s lives in many ways. By happenstance or fate, I was able to help JJ find work in Japan and at UC Santa Barbara, which in turn, has led to a pretty impressive international career in research. His bringing me to France has given me an overall quality of life that I’m not sure I’d ever have had in my native United States.
We complement each other in many ways, which in turn has morphed into new shared paths. Even our kids are adding to the mix. I have been involved in Incredible Edibles and the Transition Movement since 2016. I started a community garden, which was later gifted with compost bins by the City. My husband decided to look at compost as a potential resource for valuable nanomaterials, which then turned into research subjects for his Master’s students, start-ups, and international conference material. My daughter then came across an inspiring documentary, “The Need to Grow”, which she encouraged me to watch. Deeply moved, I showed the film to my husband, who got inspired and started bringing this into his scope of research. This is how we function now as a family- ideas are bounced off each other, with some of them sticking, or rather snowballing.
The most recent evolution in our relationship has been more esoteric. The Covid crisis gave JJ and me the opportunity to do some inner work. I had already been meditating daily for the past couple of years, but JJ wasn’t quite on board. Yet for the few times that he has done it, I feel he has reached heights that are on par with a highly spiritual being. This has added an amazing new dimension to our relationship, which is perfect as we head into a new, enlightened paradigm for humanity.
I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us!
